A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
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Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
much to think about
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*