When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
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I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.