I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
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11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!