Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
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Monica just destroyed the internet
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I created you as mosquito food.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”