I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
We have a winner.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx