Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
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If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
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Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Need this in my life lol
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.