Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
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Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
White Castle for the Win
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture