My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
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Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Oh my god
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil