Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
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I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
This kid is going places
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces