“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
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It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.