Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
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[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Favourite diary entry ever
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
When I laugh on my period
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.