*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
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I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid