ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
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♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.