my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
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Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!