BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
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Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.