marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
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“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
A great tip. #CakeRex
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Maybe jesus needs me in his life