Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Greeting humans vs their dogs
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Monday Lisa
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.