“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
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Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.