My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
You Might Also Like
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
This is my bus stop.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—