I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
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I’m not proud
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Current mood: Potato
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly