I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
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[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Fight
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Ha
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.