Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
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Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Batman v Dracula
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”