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me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
#have a #great #PancakeDay
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.