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“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.