[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
You Might Also Like
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
how to have an accident 101
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums