No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
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According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Just why bro?!
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Lube but for my dry humor.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.