[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
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found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
the three genders
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”