Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
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Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Free him
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
me when i see my girls butt
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.