I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
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I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!