Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
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At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work