We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
You Might Also Like
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Banking tips
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.