Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
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I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club