Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
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10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
sensitive skin
My son’s blood type is parmesan.