All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
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[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Anyone really
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
the three branches of government
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.