Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
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I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
They’re the worst 😩
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline