Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
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If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
where the womens at?
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Breaking news:
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.