Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
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[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Good morning
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?