Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
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No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
guys i’ve cracked the code
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd