*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
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[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?