“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
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What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.