I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
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this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I feel this so hard
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.