STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
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Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Lmao
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
watergate? u mean a dam??
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Is….Is this an option?
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.