ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
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What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.