If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
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“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers