A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
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Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.