*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
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Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
you gotta be faster
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft