Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
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New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.