wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
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art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.