One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
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I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.