mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
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No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!